Eastern Conference and the Electric Mayhem

Hope everyone's had an eccentric Easter and a passé Passover! I know I have.

To celebrate the final day of the Masters, I watched basketball!

We're getting near the playoffs folks, and while No. 1 and No. 2 in the East are locked, loaded, and ready to play (so there was nothing tremendous on the line), LeBron didn't get the memo. I swear, I'm gonna fire my memo guy. I'm pretty sure no one's getting my hundreds of memos.

LeBron's well-defined Calves faced off against Paul "Simon" Pierce, Ray "Garfunkel" Allen, and Rajon "Cajon" Rondo in Cleveland. Both Boston and Cleveland had their respective winning streaks--congratulations, gentlemen--and they hoped to use this game to build some steam before diving headfirst into the long, twisty, dark waterslide known as the NBA Playoffs.

So while the game would seem like another great game between the two titans of the East, LeBron literally force-fed each of the Celtics until they puked. I know I almost did. The score after the first quarter was 31-9. Boston was so manhandled that Samuel Adams felt it, right before he rolled over in his grave, reached into his mini cooler and popped open another cold one. (Wouldn't it be weird if Samuel Adams drank Coors? I think imagining him still alive in his grave is probably weirder.)

Like I said in my last post: No Garnett + No Powe = No Eastern Playoffs Championship = No Awesome Christmas Party at Danny Ainge's House Next Year. The best thing about the Celtics is that Marbury--like I mentioned in a previous blog post--has stepped up like I told him to. At least one guy gets my memos. But that's the bottom line of that. Moving on!

Is anyone paying attention to Dwayne Wade? This guy is the Rodney Dangerfield of basketball. Lovable, but still gets no respect.

In an attempt to wrangle some respect, he put up 55 points on the Knicks. While the Quest hasn't been the greatest of teams this year, this was the same Knick team that just took out the Orlando Magic on their home court, so they ain't just whistlin' dixie.

Dwayne "The Rock" Wade had 55 points, 9 rebounds, 4 assists and a block, but you know what? He'd probably average a triple double like LeBron if he had anybody to pass to. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Wade won't win the MVP race over LeBron, but he better get second place among voters, cause DAMN.

While this isn't what I should be talking about, just one note about the Masters. Angel's win is great, but this is his second major he's won because the leader blew it. Again, don't get me wrong, props to Angel, but it's terrible that Perry blew it, especially since he had so many chances to redeem himself.

-Dave Smith, "The Jewish Jay-Z"